Dealing with Emotions


Learning to cope with my emotions is something that I have always struggled with. Since I was little I have always taken things too personally, been hurt and felt guilty about things that were totally unecessary. I thought as I grew up I would learn to deal with these emotions better, especially after having gone through CBT therapy to help me deal with clinical depression.

But recently I have found myself unable to deal with the most common of emotions, hurt, anger and sadness. If I begin to feel angry, I will always turn it back onto myself, until tears of frustration are running down my cheeks and I have kicked or thrown something. If I begin to feel hurt by something or someone, I will turn that hurt into anger, anger at myself for being so stupid, getting my hopes up when it only hurts me. I will then vow never to hope or be optimistic, and do the opposite of anything that could potentially hurt me. All the while I am just hurting myself more. This makes it particularly hard for me to make friends and start relationships.

Getting to know someone, starting a relationship with someone whilst you are battling with clinical depression and anxiety is never easy. No matter how many times I do it, there is always that fear that they will leave, that being overly sad, or unable to go out with their friends will push them further away.

I worry that by being miserable or angry I will make them think that I don't care for them. I feel as if my whole body  screams 'I'm Sorry' whenever I am with them. I feel so guilty for being sad or angry, for having to stay in rather than go out, and for crying, a lot.

I know that being in a happy relationship is about accepting every part of each other, but when you are just starting out you just want things to be fun. And I can't do that, I've tried. So what should I do? Should I tell him my worries, how I really feel? I am still going to the doctors, and getting various forms of help, so I know that eventually I will get things back under control again, but I feel like this is something that I can't just ride out.

I would love any advice on this, whether you have been in similar situations or just have some great advice please write about it in the comments below!!

Love


Love. A four letter word that is so simple and so complex all at the same time.

There are so many different ways to love something or somone, and when it comes to falling in love with someone, it can be so exilirating yet so terrifying all at the same time. I always thought there was never a right or a wrong way to love something or someone, that love would conquer all and be the magical answer. But recently I have come to realise that that isn't always true. Love doesn't always conquer.

As a young girl I used to embroil myself in fictional romances, from Austen novels, to Baroness Orczy's Scarlet Pimpernel and Marguerite. I would spend hours imagining my modern day romance, that one day I would meet someone and loving them and them loving me would be the recipe for eternal happiness.

But life doesn't always work out like Jane Austen novel (and I am yet to meet anyone who has been so much in love with me that they have kissed my footsteps like Sir Percy did for Marguerite). Love changes meaning and grows as we do. The realisation that that 'first love' you thought would last for ever didn't in fact turn out to be love at all, or that loving someone wasn't enough to fix the cracks in a relationship can become unbearably painful.

It can cause you to mistrust love when it is truly there, make you fear loving someone ever again, or even make you grasp for love when it isn't there. But then you remember those moments, when being in love was the most indesribably happy, exciting and safest time of your life, and whether you are now hurting or still in love, you live for those moments.

Orange Shortbread





I love baking over Christmas, experimenting with festive flavours, and making a whole host of baked goodies for my family to gorge on.


With varying preferences and favourite flavours, it is hard to please everyone in my family all at once, but then I came across this Scottish Shortbread Recipe from Jamie Oliver. The great thing about this recipe is that it is so simple. There is also some great flavour combinations to add something extra special, such as Chocolate, Orange and Caraway, or Lavender and Honey.

I opted for a simple orange flavour, my Dad's favourite flavour for any baked good, chocolate or sweet.

INGREDIENTS:

  • 200g of plain flour
  • 50g of caster sugar
  • 125g of unsalted butter
  • Zest of 1 Orange
METHOD:
  1. Preheat the oven to 170c/325f / Gas Mark 3 and line some baking trays with greaseproof paper
  2. Add the flour and sugar to a bowl and mix well
  3. Rub in the butter by hand, creating a sandy texture
  4.  Add the orange zest, and incorporate, being careful not to overwork the mixture
  5. Press the dough together, and roll flat, using a little bit of flour to make sure the batter doesn't stick. (if your mixture is too dry, incorporate a little more butter)
  6. Cut out appropriately festive themed shapes ( I went for Snowmen)
  7. Bake for 20-30 mins, or until golden brown.
Serve with a cup of tea (or Eggnog if you are feeling super festive)

And to check out more beautiful flavour combinations, head over to Jamie's recipe here

A #DEBSSLEEPOVER with Dinosaur Dances




(Photo credits to Dinosaur Dances)

Recently I was asked by one of my bestest blogging friends, Lucy from Dinosaur Dances, to join her for a special Debenhams sleepover.

Debenhams had kindly sent over a huge parcel filled with onsies, chocolate, biscuits and tea, along with everything else you would need for a sleepover. All I can say is the Debenham Onsies are the softest imaginable and I thought I looked rather Christmassy wearing mine if I do say so myself!

I am actually organised for once this year, and returned home to all my beautifully wrapped presents, however if you aren't Debenhams are delivering till 10pm tonight, so get shopping!!

'Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!' (preferaby tucked up in a snuggly onesie)

*Products gifted to Dinosaur Dances by Debenhams, all opinions are my own.

Student Minds

Ever since being diagnosed, almost two and a half years ago I have always wanted to do my part to raise awareness for mental health, and help those who suffer from such illnesses. I have read books, looked up statistics, and bared my feelings on the internet, all in order to better understand and help those who suffer from mental health illnesses.

Recently I was given the wonderful opportunity to join Student Minds blogging team. Student Minds is a UK based mental health charity aimed at helping students, a long with providing information and support for parents, family and friends. Along with providing information and support, Student Minds also runs a blog, written both by a blogging team and annonymous writers.

I highly recommend that if you are ever in need of advice or support, as a sufferer, or as someone who's loved one is ill, to head over to Student Minds and check out their blog, with my most recent post here.

Together we can raise awareness and erase the stigma surrounding mental health, and petition for real changes, that will allow those suffering from mental health problems to get the best treatment possible

Moving On

Sometimes, as I sit down to write posts, I wonder if I am revealing a little too much of my self to strangers. Talking about your feelings and battles to the interent seems like a strange and self-obsorbed task to some people, but to me it is the best form of therapy I have found.

Recently I made a mistake, and as a result of that mistake, or that decision, I ended my relationship, one that had been going on for over a year. At first I felt as if a weight had been lifted. I had been so consumed and weighed down by my own thoughts and feelings that it was disrupting my life, and more dangerously affecting my health. It was the first time that I had taken a step back, realised what was affecting my health, my depression, my anxeity, and my decreasing weight, and put a stop to it. It was the first time I had actively helped myself, and all I felt was guilty and selfish.

But my life carried on, and I began going out and about again, putting on weight, and even going on a date. I thought I was finally happy. My family had been terrified, the last time one of my relationships ended I had not dealt with it well, and they didn't want to see me unhappy, or see the increased food bill each week as copious amounts of ice cream were consumed. But this time felt different, I still loved my boyfriend yes, and I would miss him, but I had finally made a decision based entirely on myself, and I felt as if I was learning.

I even wanted to be friends with my ex, I was so proud of myself and my decision that I felt like I was invicible. Nothing could deter me. I even considered writing a post about a healthy break up. Then we went for coffee, and one sentence, one little bit of news brought my decision, my confidence, my invicibility all crashing down.

I wasn't quite sure why I suddenly felt this huge gaping hole in my chest and the bile rising in my throat, when I hadn't even felt like that five minutes after our break up. I couldn't stand that everything I thought, and everything I felt had suddenly been snatched away from me.

I thought that I was moving on, but no I feel as if I have been thrown five steps backwards. I am tired of feeling as if I am forever going backwards, and just wish that I could move forward again. But one of the beautiful things about humans is that we keep on fighting through adversity, through the tough times and the set backs. I know that I will get back up, and keep on plodding, keep on moving, and when I do, I will have become a stronger person as a result

Christmas in Newcastle







Like I said in my previous 'Christmas in York' post, I am lucky to live in two amazing citites, the first being York, the second being Newcastle.

I have lived close to Newcastle all my life, and since I was a small child I have been going to Newcastle every year to view Fenwick window, buy presents and generally get into the festive spirit. Even at the age of 18, I still jump up and down with excitement as I look upon Fenwick window. Wandering through the beautifully decorated arcade, and the bustle and festivity of Grainger Market always remind me of my childhood, when everything seemed so much bigger and brighter.

One of the great things about Newcastle is the recent opening of beautiful luxury shops, such as Michael Kors and Hugo Boss, which provide you with the perfect opportunity to spoil your loved ones. Newcastle also has a great range of one off restuarants and cafes, such as Pink Lane Coffee, or The Sausage Emporium, which allow you to refuel and get your shoppping mojo back on.

And perhaps my highlight of shopping in Newcastle over the festive season has to be meeting Monty the Penguin in John Lewis (even if everyone was looking at me strangely as I giggled and patted him...)