Coming to University I had the idea in my head that I could start afresh. No one would know me from the days of first school and middle school, when I had been a chubby frizzy haired child. Or the days of high school where I had gone through various hair cuts and colours, gone from introvert, to extrovert and back round again. And then there was there was my health, no one would even know I had been sick; no one would know about my illness.
But I had never really considered what it would be like living with people, trying to get to know them whilst keeping such a huge part of my life a secret. I couldn't think of what to say if people had asked where I had been, when the real answer was 'At the doctors'. Telling someone you have been to the docotrs once is fine, but when someone asks you and it is the third time that week, what do you say? I had never truley thought about the amount of secrets I would have to keep, or how hard it would be to pretend I was ok, when all I felt like doing was sliding down onto the floor and staying there.
So I told my flat, I openly told them I was going to the doctors, that I had mental health problems and that sometimes I was just not ok. And they were great about it, for people I had only known a few weeks they were kind and supportive, and most importantly, they still treat me exactly the same. I have never been so grateful, or so releived. I had built up this horrible scenario in my head when really if I had just been honest, things would have been a lot better.
But there are still people I don't know how to act around, what to say and what to do when I am feeling so god damn awful. I worry that people from my course just think I am aloof and stand offish, head down, not talking, trying desperately to fight with my feelings when to the outside world I look like I just don't care. When infact more than anything I care; I am desperate to make friends, and to know people so well that they won't care if I get sad sometimes, or will help me with work when I have been too sick to understand it myself. But currently terror has stopped me from making friends, people on my course barely remember my name, let alone talk to me on a regular basis. I can pretend that I just haven't met the right people yet, and that it is their fault for not wanting to be friends with me, but deep down I know that my own fears and anxiety are holding me back.
Then there are times when you start to know someone a little better than all the rest. You hang out more and more, and talk about anything and everything, except one thing. People aren't generally taught how to react to or help someone who suffers from mental health problems, and when it comes down to that one person who you really want to like you for you, all of you, it becomes so much harder to tell them the truth.
Part of me wants to just take the plunge, to say no when someone asks me if everything is ok. To say how I am feeling and feel comfortable and safe in doing it. But part of me is still so afriad, afraid of what people will think or say, afraid that they then won't want to be my friend anymore, spend time with me, or even date me. I am so terrified of people knowing the real me, all of me, that I am making myself all the more miserable. And quite frankly, I still don't know whether I will tell people when I am not ok, instead of smiling and faking a laugh. I am still not sure whether my pride will let anyone, even my flat mates, watch me burst into tears and crumple onto the floor. That's just not how I want my new life to be defined, and try as I might, it will always be what people remember.
I never thought I would be one of those cliche people, who when they got to University would begin questioning who they really were, and who they were really meant to be.
I have been at University for just over a month now, and already I have made some big mistakes, that have got me questioning what kind of person I really am. I never thought I would make the mistakes I have; I never thought I would be the girl I see myself becoming, and it terrifies me.
My Mum used to always say to me that Univeristy was a time for change, a time for growing and discovery. I always used to laugh it off as one of those cliche sayings every parent tells their child before they go off to University, but now I am wondering whether may be she was right.
Confusion is something I am feeling constantly, something that swirls around inside me and makes me feel nauseous and stops me from eating. I keep wondering when things will fall into place, or even how to make them fall into place. I can't go on feeling like I am forever, I feel as if that were to happen I would just wither away. I don't know whether I am supposed to be riding it out, or actively grabbing life by the balls and screaming 'To fuck with it!!'
They say that with adulthood comes responsibility, but what if I am not ready? What if I want to turn back the clocks and go back to much simpler times, where I knew where I was going, who I was, and who I wanted to be. I always wanted to be a hero, and I used to beleive that one day a would be; someone brave, kind and honest, who everyone looked up to in awe. But now I feel that I can never be the hero, I feel rotten, rotten to my core, and more like Hades than Hercules. And the thing about heroes, is yeh, they have a rough time, but they always pull through in the end, where as the Hades of this world sink into oblivion.
I feel trapped, I feel alone, and I feel so terribly confused. I feel as if not knowing who I am or who I want to be is like going through life in denial. Trying to avoid the inevitable, trying to hide from life itself. I never thought University would make me question myself so much. I knew it would change me, I knew it would be tough, but I never knew it would make me doubt myself. Make me question everything I was and everything I had come to be. And until I figure out who I am, until I untaggle the webs of confusion that seem to spread throughout my entire body, I will continue to free fall.
And that's the problem. Although the falling is nerve wracking and confusing, it is the landing that hurts. The realisation once you hit the ground. And that is what I am truely afraid of. That when I land, I won't recognise myself, I won't know who I have become, or be what I once was. And it is that, that truely hurts.
Seeing as it took me so long to get round to hosting a giveaway, I thought I would theme my giveaway around a little pamper session to help cope with the cold Autumn/Winter months that are coming. To win all these prizes, all you have to do is fill out the Rafflecopter Form below.
The prizes included in the 100 Followers Giveaway:
- Lily Flame 'Fresh Linen' Candle
- Lush Butterball Ballistic Bath Bomb
- Lush Think Pink Ballistic Bath Bomb
- Lush Space Girl Ballistic Bath Bomb
- Joules Fabulously Fluffy Socks
- Hans Sloane London Hot Chocolate
- Grey Striped Mug
- Barry M Summer Limited Edition Nail Polish in Bikini Blue
- Barry M Matte Nail Polish in White
- Barry M Matte Nail Polish in Copacabana Red
You MUST follow Hopes Gone on Bloglovin to be eligible for the prize. Other entries, such as following my Twitter page, help you gain extra points. Unfortunately this giveaway is only open to UK residents, and if you are under the age of 16 years old make sure you have permission from your parent or guardian before you enter.
I wish you all the best of luck in the giveaway (I really want to say 'And may the odds be ever in your favour'...). a Rafflecopter giveaway
I love York, and have visited quite a few times. It is about two hours drive from my home, whilst only being an hours drive from my Grandparents, so I can nip over for a Sunday Roast whenever I have a craving!
Currently my living room and bedroom are piled high with boxes, clothes and books, whilst I try to pack and decide what take. I can't wait to explore York's medival and cobbled streets more, and become an honorary Yorkian (not sure that is even a word...). Yet at the same time, I'm terrified, as I am such a home body, and suffering from anxiety makes going to clubs and parties all the harder.
But I am hoping that for the most part University will help with my anxiety issues, and to grow as a person, and if anyone has any reccomendations on great places to eat/drink/shop in York, then let me know!
- 200g of Dark Chocolate
- 175g of Unsalted Butter
- 325g of Caster Sugar
- 130g of Plain Flour
- 3 Eggs
- Icing Sugar to sprinkle on top
- Line a large square baking tray with greaseproof paper, and preheat the oven to 170C/325F/Gas Mark 3.
- Melt the chocolate and the butter together over the hob in a heat proof bowl.
- Once the chocolate and butter is smooth and glossy, add to the sugar and stir well.
- Sieve the flour into the chocolate and sugar mixture slowly, making sure it remains smooth.
- Add the eggs one at a time, incorporating fully each time until thick.
- Tip the mixture into your lined baking tray, making sure to not over fill, and pop into the oven for 30-35 minutes until browned but still slightly squidgy inside.
One of the things I love about visiting Lincoln, is that all my responsibilities don't matter. I can spend my days lying in, cooking dinner with my boyfriend and playing Monopoly for four hours straight. There is a small moor/park a few minutes walk from Andrew's house, where ponies roam around next to guys playing football, and dogs playing fetch.
Moving to York means I am one hour closer to Lincoln, and have a whole lot more opportunities to visit and explore the city more. Just as I was walking to catch the train I spotted a whole hoard of home interior stores, so more exploring is definitely needed!!
I have found recently that people have different ways of dealing with their grief. For some, like my father, who go about their daily lives as normal, coping with their feelings of loss by keeping themselves busy and living their lives is the best way. Then there are those among us who vocalise their feelings, talk about them, cry about them, wear them on their face becasue the pain of loss is too much for them to hide. Then there are those like myself, who throw themselves into caring for the people whose loss is the greatest. I never feel as if I can grieve, for someone elses loss is greater than my own, it happens everytime, it was their mother, their father, their only parent, my sister only had my grandmother for 11 years, as opposed to my 17 years.
On Thursday we lost my Uncle suddenly, a middle aged man who just dropped down dead. The shock of it shook all of us, but my first thoughts were of my cousins, who had lost their father, and of my Aunt, who had lost her husband. And as we travelled down to take care of them, to console them and help them in any way they desired, I panicked. For how do you console someone whose loss is that great, is that sudden and all consuming. Then there was the guilt I felt for my fear, they had lost their father, their husband, and yet I was panicking on how to act and behave. But on arrival I learnt, all people need is someone to talk to, they do need your sympathys, but more than anything they do not want your pity. They do not want you to don black, stop everything and enter that all consuming grief they are feeling: that is what funerals are for. I learnt that the best way to help someone is to just be normal, don't treat them differently than you ever would just because they have lost someone. Yes, allow them to break down and cry and feel grief when they need to, but most of the time they need somone there to distract them from themselves and their thoughts. If they allow themselves to be eaten away by their own grief, then they too will fall into darkness.
Maybe one day, hopefully a long way down the road, it will be my turn to grieve and let other people help me, teach me that life can go on, not in the same way, but a new and different way. God forbid I ever loose a husband, and parent or a soul mate, then it will be my turn to grieve, and that is what family are for. But for now I am going to be here for my family, for my cousins who lost a father, my Aunt who lost her husband, and for my cousins Grandmother who lost her only child. That is where I am needed, and that is where I shall be.